My Alive

I was sitting on a small balcony with God in the dismays of empty nothingness -often called the shock of grief. It was about 24 hours after my beloved son’s death.  I remember the still of my eyes cocked upward toward the treetops in a kind of mesmerized glance; my journal precariously perched in my lap and an ordinary pen between my fingers but not moving.

I remember the swirling dance of emotions, thoughts and physical aches that had been co-creating my reality slowing down like a scene from the matrix, bending in surrender to the opening of an even greater nothingness. Then suddenly, I connected. I knew.

“Life is bigger than this! Bigger than this moment, bigger than the death of this one boy and bigger than a mother’s grief. “Life is Huge” I’d connected. I knew. If this were not profound enough check out what happened next.

In that instant of clarity, I decided (chose, purposefully acted) to align myself, my entire spiritual self, mindfully humbled and in deep reverent AWE with that moment of knowing, with that profound connection to all that was -beyond mortal life and death! I was connected beyond me.

From that place of connection – beyond awareness (mind) beyond the balcony (physical) beyond my grief for losing mine (emotional)- Uriah was fully present! …along with everything and everyone else. An amazing INSTANT where the veil of waking consciousness was not pulled back but thin, very very translucently thin.

I admit and declare my humble awe that this is the story I was given to tell.  And remaining always-ever present to the power and truth of this knowing has certainly proven to be a mighty challenge to say the least.

None-the-less, this is My ALIVE.  I am committed to being ALIVE beyond me, just past the place where I know what is real. That is My ALIVE.

Just past that instant on the balcony, I wrote…

“Yes, this death is a defining moment in my life but I decide how it defines me! I will live as if Life is Bigger than Death.”

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